your affection, your affection / taking pride from fear

[covenantal]

[ It's been a week.

After that first explosive coming together, sparks under their skin, sweat and spit and come and the realization that maybe this was something they could be together after all... nothing. Sure, they'd messed around once more that night, still riding high on aphrodisiacs and the realization that that planet's nights were hours longer than their own circadian rhythms were accustomed to. But once morning had finally risen and they hadn't quite looked at each other as they'd gotten up to use the shower (though that wasn't quite true; Yu had looked at Yosuke not looking at him), they'd simply left the planet and not discussed it since. Or if they had, it had simply been Yosuke laughing that high-pitched nervous laugh of his, saying "What a weird place, huh partner?" and brushing past the topic.

And Yu had started to worry.

He'd known even while they were in the middle of things, even when Yosuke was shouting and moaning and purring his name (moments he thought about a good deal in private the following week), that this was never something Yosuke would have let happen without encouragement. (Encouragement Yu had snuck two bottles of back onto the ship with them. Good lord, but what was happening to him? He'd left money for it, or tried. He was going to hell. Directly to hell.) Yosuke... even if he'd seemed to enjoy it, even if he'd been the one to reach out and get Yu off once his own turn was over... was he okay with what had happened? Had he felt forced into it after all?

The more time that went by, the worse he started to feel. Had he coerced his boyfriend into sex by not deescalating when he had the chance?

After a whole week of silence on the issue, no matter how casual Yosuke tried to act, Yu couldn't take it anymore. He forced his feet to take him to the entrance to the cockpit, where for a long moment he watched his partner's back as Yosuke deftly navigated them through the stars.

Then he took the copilot's seat, a place he took up more and more often, and tilted his head to give Yosuke an unusually serious look. ]

Yosuke. We should talk.

Comments

[punchesyu]

[The last week had indeed been awkward. Eating together, sharing any activities let along sharing a space together made him a little nervous. Direct eye contact had but cut down to a minimum, almost as if Yosuke was trying to deny that there was really anything weird going on with him at all. Everything was fine. Nothing's wrong. Nothing at all.

Right?

He'd found himself manually piloting the ship more than normal. Something uncharacteristic of him, to look for a space by himself, which was a blessing and a curse all on its own. It gave him more time to think, to think on the events of the night and the decisions he'd made despite it being fueled by more than just his hormones. He heard the door open behind him. Yosuke gulps with anticipation, his anxiety working up despite trying to stay calm. He knew Yu wouldn't leave it alone for much longer, not with the way he was acting. And when Yu says they should talk, his fears come to the surface, answering nervously.]

Y-Yeah, sure. What do you want to talk about?

[As if acting dumb was going to do anything.]

[covenantal]

...

[ Yu sighs, practically watching each individual muscle in his boyfriend's body tense up.

Let it never be said that Yosuke isn't an open book.

Yu smiles, not unkindly, and turns his chair so he's facing his partner. ]

Calm down.

[ Is all he says at first. If Yosuke gets anymore tense, he might snap like a rubber band, ]

Last week. We never did talk about what happened back there... on the last planet we visited. I wanted to make sure... it didn't bother you.

[ The pauses in his speech are his own signs of hesitance. Yosuke isn't the only one who's nervous, though Yu is just quieter about it. If Yosuke hated it, Yu could learn to live with that. But if Yosuke resented him for what happened... ]

[punchesyu]

[His eyes divert down to the controls in front of him. Calm down. There is a lot left unsaid there, things that Yosuke understands. He's being too jumpy. He shouldn't worry this much about it. It's Yu, and there's no reason to act like this.

His shoulders relax a little, sneaking a glance over. It's not as if he has no idea what comes next. He's had a while to think on it too, but for some reason the words are hard to find.]

I mean... it's not like it did bother me or anything, but I am sorta freaked out that we... you know-- but not like, in a way that makes me want to break up with you or anything, it's just...

[He fumbles on his words, trying to explain.]

[covenantal]

[ Considering he hadn't actually even considered breaking up, he looks a little surprised at that. ]

Well, that's a relief.

[ He says it with some small humor. Not quite joking, because he'd never joke about this, but just enough to try and break the tension a little. But he'll lean forward, his chin down, his posture beseeching. ]

Come on, Yosuke. It's just us. [ Echoes of words said back then, in the heat of passion. ] We can talk about anything.

[punchesyu]

Yeah, I know, but...

[He had to remind himself of that. It's Yu. It's Yu. His partner, his friend, now his boyfriend. But talking about something that was normal between couples, normal between anyone else but himself and Yu was hard. Or rather, that it wasn't normal in his own mind, and was afraid to admit that he'd enjoyed himself. Afraid to remember that it even happened.

He looks over to Yu, before diverting his eyes yet again for a moment, then bringing them back up. It's a process he repeats over and over again as he speaks.]

That was a really big step for me, and I guess I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. It's...hard to talk about.

[covenantal]

Hey, don't get me wrong. It was a big step for me too.

[ A little hesitantly, he reaches out to place a hand on Yosuke's arm, uncertain if the contact is wanted at the moment or not, or if it might be too much. ]

We were both acting under the influence, remember? But I was just as nervous as you were. One thing isn't going to change, though. No matter what we go through. I love you, alright? So take your time.

[punchesyu]

[He looks down at the hand on his arm, making no moves to shoo it away or pull back. It's a nice gesture, but he's unsure of how welcome it is. No, welcome wasn't the word he wanted, he just can't figure out himself and the touch sends his mind into a spiral of confusion. He shakes his head once, sets the ship into autopilot with a quick flip of a switch and the press of a few buttons.

He can turn to Yu now, taking a deep breath.]

No, everything's cool, I...

[He squirms a little. Being told that he was loved in such a direct manner, even if it had already been said before, causes a slight bit of discomfort as well as serving as a reassurance. He can't understand how he could possibly feel that way, but he does.]

Listen, I, well...I don't know if I'm ready to do that again. I still can't believe I went through with it.

[covenantal]

[ Maybe contrary to what Yosuke might expect, Yu doesn't seem perturbed. He gives Yosuke's arm a brief squeeze before sitting up and nodding. ]

It's alright. We don't have to do anything you're not ready for, Yosuke.

[ I still can't believe I went through with it.

Yu lowers his gaze. ]

... in fact, that's one of the reasons I wanted to talk to you about this. I think ... a lot of the responsibility for what happened falls on me. I could have stopped it, and instead, I pushed you. I shouldn't have. If you blamed me for it... I couldn't hold it against you.

[punchesyu]

[This was the part he wasn't so comfortable discussing. He'd been avoiding the problem, even when thinking about it in his time alone piloting the ship, or when Yu was sleeping and he was in his head all by himself. He clams up for a moment, before finally sighing.

It wasn't anything unlike before. When he'd faced off with his shadow.
Here he was, being stupid again.]

No, listen...it's not like that. Correct me if I'm wrong, but...I'm pretty sure I was the one all over you.

[He winks, trying to lighten the situation.]

[covenantal]

[ It's with a sharp stab of guilty heat in his gut that Yu sits up a little straighter, his gaze skittering off somewhere leftwards as he lifts a hand to rub the back of his neck. He's blushing... he knows he is. (And boy, is he ever.) The redness even touches the tips of his ears. Only Yosuke could get Yu this flustered. ]

That's true...

[ After he takes a moment to collect himself, he still pushes on. It's not like he wants to undo all this progress, but... he's had a lot of guilt on his conscience. ]

Even so, you only did that because you drank that weird liquid.

[ Right? ]

[punchesyu]

Well, yeah, but...

[A simple fact he can't deny, he'd definitely been influenced heavily by the unknown substance. His thoughts drift back to that night, how awkward he felt, how he'd given in eventually because it was too much for him to stand...]

I don't know, I still don't know how I feel about that whole thing. This is all so new, and I'm still getting used to just calling you my boyfriend.

[He starts to fidget, before finally letting his hands fall into his lap.]

I guess maybe that was just the little bit of courage I needed to try something else. Our whole relationship has kinda been "when desperate times call for desperate measures," after all, heheh.

[He lets that little laugh out, thinking on it himself. From when they met until now- he hadn't really realized how true that statement was.]

[covenantal]

[ My boyfriend...

He thinks he might not ever get tired of hearing those words from Yosuke. He looks back, meeting the other's gaze again, his expression inscrutable, but his eyes thoughtful, searching.

What he does, finally, is crack the faintest of smiles. ]

Like rescue from a trash can, [ he murmurs. The event that started it all. But if he really thinks on it, Yosuke's right. So much about their relationship has been built on desperate moments where they had to break through something together. Facing Yosuke's shadow... forming the Investigation Team... Yosuke's breakdown on the floodplain... their fight... and of course, everything that had brought them here. Yosuke's kidnapping, and Yu's own death on a forest floor, preceded by a kiss that had ended up unlocking something neither of them could have imagined would be possible before. Desperate measures. Yeah. Maybe so.

Still. He huffs a breath through his nose, not quite convinced. ]

Yosuke... if I'm being honest, I'm really attracted to you. [ A pause, and he cants his head thoughtfully. ] I think that's been true for a while. ... but I don't want you to think that you have to do anything for me because of that. I'll be happy as long as I'm with you. Believe that, Yosuke. [ His eyes soften. ] So it's alright if you don't know how you feel. You don't have to figure it out right away. And if you decide that's not what you want, that's okay too. I just wanted to make that clear.

[ ... and if he has to somehow surreptitiously dump out those two bottles he stole, that's fine. ]

[punchesyu]

[It's all things that he feels like he already knows, if he knew Yu at all. He fidgets again, unsure at first how to address what his partner is saying. He doesn't want to hurt his feelings, and he knows that he'll probably end up saying something stupid anyway, because he won't be able to help himself.]

Well, I mean...

[He's glad, he's happy that he's being given an out. It's tempting to take it. He could very easily nod and mumble something only to sweep it under the rug for now. But he knows that's not what he wants. He doesn't want an out, Yu means a lot more to him than that. Yosuke knows that now. Looking up, he takes a deep breath and meets his partner's eyes, solidly set with the determination to say what he was feeling, even if he wasn't entirely sure how to say it or what it was.]

Listen. I might not know exactly what to do with this whole...sex thing...and I'm glad that you're okay with this. I...like you a lot too. I mean, I guess I'd have to after all that. [He laughs nervously, his words not coming out quite the way he wanted.]

But, there's one thing I do know. I'm happy-- with this. With us. And I don't think anything's going to change that. For me, this isn't a thing where I noticed you because I thought you were totally hot or something. It was because of who you are to me. You're important, and knowing you had to leave Inaba to go back to Tokyo sorta broke my heart. So...

That's...how I feel. If that makes any sense. I think I just need some more time for the other stuff.